"If I use a vibrator, it'll desensitise my clit and numb me out. I'll never be able to cum with my partner."
"If I use a vibrator, it'll desensitise my clit and numb me out. I'll never be able to cum with my partner."
Myth busting. TL:DR: Not necessarily, it's complex, be wary of dogma, feel free to vibe away if it's your vibe, per se.
This is a VERY big myth that gets touted in Tantra, conscious sexuality, and spiritual influencers, and it really frustrates me.
Let's explore it, using our great friends: Nancy Nuance and Anvita Anti-dogma.
So, is there some truth in this?
Hmmm, kinda, it depends. (Thanks, Nancy!)
Our bodies and nervous systems *can* get used to a certain kind of stimulation.
But it's not just stimulation we can get accustomed to, it's also context, and HOW you are masturbating.
If you only wank to with the vibe on the highest setting, hold your breath, clench your body, and brace yourself to come then, and just want to get it done with, yeah, you're going to get used to that.
But the great thing, thanks to neuroplasticity, we can change it. (Thanks, Anvita!)
I personally know many women and femmes where they used to love v1brators, but the more somatic work they did and got to know the subtle undercurrents of their bodies, vibrators didn't feel good to them anymore.
**Kudos to them. What resonates with us changes. I will ALWAYS support learning to relate to your soma and hear what it's telling you.**
AND I know many other women and femmes who did this healing work and STILL love their vibes. (Like me!)
Was it that the women who went off vibrators were "more healed"? Or just that their path is different? And are you trying to get to an ultimate, "healed" destination?
Please, for goddesses sake, get out of this constantly healing mentality. It actually leads you to feel more isolated and paranoid about yourself.
When I speak to a lot of women and femmes who say they need the vibe on the highest setting to cum, I ask them HOW they are wanking and what else is going on in their lives.
Often if you're living in a state of chronic hypervigilance, stress hormones, lurching from one crisis to another, feeling generally numbed out, and needing the vibe on the highest setting while you try and squeeze out an O, then yes, it makes sense that it's harder to feel anything and so a vibe IS the only way you can cüm.
So was it the vibe? Or *gestures wildly* everything else?
But... is that such a bad thing?
Seriously, people! Stop this spirituality purity culture already!
Because pleasure and orgasms are soooo good for you, surely cumming with a vibe is great than not at all? (There's Nancy!)
And from a trauma-informed lens, don't f*cking rush the un-numbing process just so you can appease your tantra teacher and have multiple squirting O's with fingers. (Anvita, again!)
There is no destination. Savour what pleasure you can feel NOW.
(In the trauma healing world, this is known as resourcing and finding glimmers that is much more conducive to healing than trying to should yourself.)
Now, let's bring back Nancy Nuance.
YES, some kinds of O's may feel depleting and you want to change it up.
YES, you may find that your general behaviour around how you masturbate is not supporting your lifeforce.
YES, I believe that most of us would benefit from learning how to touch, be touched, and learning to re-sensitize our bodies.
And I believe we can all learn new ways to wank, and utilize breath, movement, sound, and different kinds of touch.
God, yes. Yes yes yes! (Nancy Nuance agrees!)
But think of it as widening your pleasure palette. Both/And. More please! Yum!
Vibrators are not the same as a finger, tongue, or penis. They are just different.
A different way to experience your O.
And you do know that using a vibe during partner sex can just take it to a whole different level?
I happen to believe anybody who relishes whipping out a sex toy or 3 during sex with their partner makes an EXCELLENT lover.
Let's take all of the, "shoulds" out of sex, specifically HOW you cum.
Does it feel good? Awesome!
Does it not feel so good? Time for a change and learn something new.
Does it feel good and you want to make it even better? Both of the above.
Anybody who tries to convince you that the only, "real", "conscious", or I dunno, "sex that healed or enlightened people have", is sex WITHOUT a vibe... *sigh* Anvita, can you help us out?
I've been there, done that, trying to make your sexuality, "conscious" just puts you on a constant merry-go-round of head-f*ckery and self-scrutiny.
Be wary that in trying to make your life too, “conscious”, you unintentionally suck all the joy out and try to bypass your messy humanity.
To finish with Nancy Nuance:
Just enjoy it all AND follow what feels true for you AND be wary of all-or-nothing dogma.
Vibes don't resonate with you? Trust that. Follow that.
But it doesn't mean that this is true for everyone.
It all counts, you do you.
You can learn how to have exquisite orgasms-- whether you use a vibe or not because you are multitalented like that-- in my self-paced e-course, Orgasmic Liberation.
For women and vulva havers and those who love them.
You can either buy it straight up and keep it for life in the link below and keep it for life OR get it as part of your yearly subscription to Beducated.
Buy it on Beducated as part of your yearly subscription and get 25% off when you quote the code LUCYROWETT25 at the checkout. This is an affiliate link too, so when you purchase I get a bit of commission, hurrahhh for paying my bills!
Get it on Beducated as part of your yearly subscription here.
Love, Lube, and Tea,
Lucy xox
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